Sample TOEFL iBT Essay
A student wrote this TOEFL iBT practice essay in under 30 minutes.
| Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? |
| There should be no minimum age for drinking alcohol. |
| Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. |
Alocohol is one of the most consumed drinks in the world. Even though drinking alchol is injurious to health, most of us like to drink alcohol. Now a days most of the countries have regulation in the use of alcohol. This regulations controls and limit the persons taking the alcohol. It is very essential that there should be a minimum age for drinking alcohol.
First reason for having a minimum age for drinking alcohol is to avoide the problems in the school and community. It has been seen that most of the childrence who drinks alcohol will make offences in school and destroy public propertis and even create accidents in the road. To avoide this kind of problem it is better to control the children taking alcohol by making rules stating age limits for taking alcohol. After making this kind of rules in certain countries like USA, UK this kind of problems in the community and schools where reduced.
Another reason for preventing children from taking alcohol is that it will seriously effect the over all development of children. Alcohol consumption has found to be a cause of mental retardation in children. It has been evidenced from many studies that the childhood consumption of alcohol will produce a seriously retarded people in the future. It is also tru that the students who take alcohol only get a lesser grade in school. This is because of their poor development in various fields.
All in all alcohol consumption should be avoided in children. If we control the children from taking alcohol the problems in school and community will reduce. Also a better future for the children is possible by banding the alcohol consumption in children. So alochol consumption has an age limit.
Evaluation and error analyis
On the one hand, this essay is very well structured. On the other hand, it is poorly written. Here are some of the biggest mistakes:
subject-verb agreement |
INCORRECT: |
...regulations controls... |
CORRECT: | ...regulations control... | |
demonstra-tives |
INCORRECT: |
This regulations... |
CORRECT: | These regulations... | |
demonstra-tives |
INCORRECT: |
After making this kind of rules... |
CORRECT: | After making these kinds of rules... | |
passive |
INCORRECT: |
Alcohol consumption has found to be a cause of mental retardation in children. |
CORRECT: | Alcohol consumption has been found to be a cause of mental retardation in children. | |
Also correct: Alocohol consumption (by pregnant women) causes mental retardation in children. Whenever possible, try to avoid using the passive voice in your TOEFL essay writing. | ||
collocations |
INCORRECT: |
take alcohol |
CORRECT: | drink alcohol | |
vocabulary and articles |
INCORRECT: |
...get a lesser grade... |
CORRECT: | ...get lower grades... | |
vocabulary and articles |
INCORRECT: |
...banding the alcohol consumption... |
CORRECT: | ...banning alcohol consumption... | |
vocabulary and articles |
INCORRECT: |
...control the children from... |
CORRECT: | ...stop children from... | |
vocabulary |
INCORRECT: |
...it will seriously effect... |
CORRECT: | ...it will seriously affect... | |
articles |
INCORRECT: |
First reason for having... |
CORRECT: | The first reason for having... | |
awkward writing |
INCORRECT: |
...alcohol consumption should be avoided in children. |
CORRECT: | ...children should avoid consuming alcohol. | |
Try not to use the passive voice in your TOEFL essay. The active voice is stronger and more natural sounding. | ||
punctuation |
INCORRECT: |
All in all alcohol consumption should... |
CORRECT: |
All in all, alcohol consumption should... | |
A comma (,) is almost always needed after a transitional phrase. | ||
spelling |
INCORRECT: |
now a days |
CORRECT: | nowadays | |
spelling |
INCORRECT: |
childrence |
CORRECT: | children | |
spelling |
INCORRECT: |
avoide |
CORRECT: | avoid | |
